Men, step aside.

Bitches, this one’s for you.

**

Bitch. (Ouch, that’s harsh, wouldn’t you say?)

Bitch. (Excuse me??)

BITCH. (Fuck that shit, I’ll show you who’s the bitch!)

The word bitch has simultaneously been used as a pejorative term to insult a female or to refer to a man as, well, less of a man.

Besides its original meaning of reference to a female dog, it is now widely and commonly known to refer to women who are lewd, overly aggressive, rude and belligerent.

Some women get offended when they’re called a bitch.

And others?

Hell yeah, bring it the fuck on.

There are a lot of references to bitches in the media.

We have Bitch Magazine, a feminist response to pop culture founded by two bitches that tell it like it is. And the fact they would slap their magazine cover with a big, bold ‘bitch’ on it is testament indeed.

We have The Bitch, a 1979 British film starring Joan Collins. Then there’s The Rolling Stones song Bitch, from their 1971 album Sticky Fingers. More current, there’s the 2009 club jam Sexy Bitch by David Guetta, featuring Akon. And who could forget Meredith Brooks’ #2 Billboard song, Bitch, from her 1997 album Blurring the Edges? I still rock out to that whenever the chorus comes on.

Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of her bestselling memoir, Prozac Nation, also wrote Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women, an ostensibly bitchy, lamenting book. The Wall Street Journal noted, “What follows can ultimately be judged by its cover: saucy, sassy, but ultimately rather silly … Wow — what a bitch.” Ouch.

And what about Cruella de Vil from One Hundred and One Dalmatians? (Yes, I’m aware she’s a cartoon but she still is downright nasty.)

Whoever is drunk on slaughtering over a hundred dalmatians for the sake of vanity is a bitch indeed. Besides, she has both the words ‘cruel’ and ‘devil’ in her name. What parents would name their child that?! It’s like naming your daughter Shit and her last name is Head.

Anyway.

If not downright evil, Cruella is a bitch at the very least.

But this isn’t just about bitches and references to bitches in the media. This is a no-bullshit guide to being a bitch because frankly, bitches have more fun.

Shall we?

**

The No-Bullshit Guide to Being a Bitch

1. Bitches say it like it is.

The next time your boyfriend, husband or brother is at the kitchen table not-so-discreetly scratching his balls — again — tell him, “Will you stop scratching your goddam balls at the kitchen table? What if I scratched my ass and then went and made dinner with the same hand?”

You’ll get their attention alright.

But beyond that, bitches say it like it is.

They aren’t floundering wallflowers or primp-and-pressed delicate porcelain dolls, broken at the slightest breeze or touch.

They aren’t timid, hesitant, fearful or constantly reevaluating what they say before they say it.

There’s a time and place for careful consideration before words come out of your mouth. Like the State of the Union address. But let’s leave that to Obama, shall we? Congress will fare better off for it, trust me.

2. “Take me as I am.”

A bitch isn’t perfect but she’s ballsy enough to know that, acknowledge it, and get on with life. A bitch tells the world, “Take me as I am.” And those who don’t? God help them.

Bitches know they have personality. They don’t necessarily have to be bitch-like all the time, every day. But they do know themselves and aren’t apologetic about it.

If you’re downright obsessive about blue nail polish but people continue giving you shit about looking like an overgrown smurf, tell them to back off and take you as you are, blue smurf and all.

And just for the record, I painted my nails blue today. And what?

3. Self-centeredness is not a sin. 100% altruism, all the time, is.

Altruism is the exclusive concern for others, also known as selflessness. You practically shun yourself and dive in front of cars for other people. Is this a bad thing?

Of course not. Without altruistic people, hoards of grandmas will be standing on the corner of the street, waiting ever so patiently for some kind person to walk them across. Volunteer and homeless shelters would become a free-for-all buffet with no one to serve the homeless, so the homeless just serve themselves. And you know what? There ain’t no limit in the buffet of free eats. One serving? Yeah right. How about the whole damn tray instead?

Bitches take care of themselves. To call them self-centered is to not acknowledge that we inherently are all self-centered creatures.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Hi. That’s you. The most important person in your life, whether you have kids, parents, pets, lawn ornaments, Barbie dolls, Harry Potter books, Magic cards, Dragonball Z action figures.

In the end, it’s you that you care most about. Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

4. Callous, direct statements aren’t always a bad thing.

To always tip-toe around conversations and hold your tongue back is like a pencil holding back the entire Pacific ocean. Mmhmm, not gonna work.

If you have something on your mind, speak it. A bitch would and does.

Your best friend gained 10 pounds and is now asking whether or not she gained any weight? Tell her the truth. She’ll be better off not thinking she’s in lalaland and try to stuff her hips in 2-sizes-too-small jeans.

Your partner continually jipping the waiter from his well-earned tip? Tell him like it is. Everyone’s got a sob story, everyone’s struggling financially, everyone’s trying to make ends meet. If tipping is so difficult, don’t go out to the damn restaurant then.

Say what’s on your heart first. Apologize later, if you must.

5. Self-criticism is highly welcomed and entertained.

In the university of hard knocks, we’re all vying for the best grade in life. To hopefully have people like us. To maybe even have some people love us.

Rather than try and please others, or criticize others for their lack of perfection, aim that critical bullseye at yourself.

Like Dale Carnegie said, “Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always come back.”

Bitches know the best person to criticize is not the other person in front of her. It’s herself.

But she does it in a jovial manner, with an off-beat, lighthearted attitude.

She’s a bitch but she doesn’t need to treat other people like trash or embarrass them in public.

Know that what you detest in other people, other people find you just as annoying. Rather than always doling out generous portions of criticism, serve yourself the biggest helping of them all.

6. Own that sexuality!

Bitches are ever so comfortable with their sexuality. There is no apology to be made here because seriously, who’s to judge? One way of life for a person should not be considered wrong to another. What is the purpose of right and wrong anyways? Why can’t we just be?

Fuck hate.

If you dig women, and not just the I-have-a-crush-on-Natalie-Portman-but-am-too-scared-to-admit-it-but-will-secretly-watch-the-lesbian-scene-with-her-and-Mila-Kunis-in-Black-Swan-over-and-over-again, but a truly deep, burning desire and curiosity for and about women, then so be it! The world will love you for taking a stand on its behalf, for you are a part of the world and the world is a part of you.

The worst thing you can do is to hide your sexuality. Embrace it. Love it. Love you.

Many of my friends, males and females, are into men and women. I am not surprised at all since many of them are also people who embrace diversity, praise freedom, love openness and exploration, and abhor discrimination and hate. Good for them. They ought to live life with intention and being honest with themselves.

Wouldn’t you want to as well?

7. Bossy behavior optional.

The only boss in the world you really need to answer to — and you know what I’m going to say — is you.

Bitches get a bad rep for being bossy or exhibiting prima donna behavior.

Well, guess what?

Bitches know what they want. It’s just other people can’t seem to get on the same page as them.

However.

Would you rather have 500 people like you just slightly or would you rather have 50 people who love you insanely?

Would you rather have 1,000 lukewarm bystanders or would you rather have 100 die-hard-I’m-gonna-tattoo-your-name-across-my-chest-and-name-my-first-child-after-you fans?

Get my drift?

(By the way, if you tattoo Nina on your chest and/or name your first child after me, holla back! What? You think growing up in Chicago wouldn’t make me a tad bit ghetto? That’s right, bitch. Don’t matter where I go in life. I know my roots and so should you. Damn straight.)

8. Fun comes first.

Because you never know when you’re going to die.

Bitch, please! Tell me you don’t love to have fun. Just tell that to my face.

You’d rather stay at home on a Friday night, washing the laundry and watching The L Word on DVD (which, by the by, love that series) while eating taffy apples you made yourself?

Alright, cool. If that’s fun for you, that is.

But if you’re downright bored, have no one to play with, or just have no friends, then bitch, you need to get your shit together. People love to hang out with those who are confident in who they are, love and know who they are, and aren’t afraid of being themselves in public and in private.

There is no differentiation.

Who you are out there is who you are at home. Tossing aside that cloak of extroversion the moment you step inside doesn’t make you less of an introvert. You’re just trying to appease others.

As someone who thoroughly enjoys and needs alone time, do you think it’s hard for me to drag myself out sometimes in order to be with the people I actually do want to hang out with?

Certainly!

Like making yourself run for 30 minutes when all you want to do is sit at home and eat Cool Ranch Doritos and drink an ice-cold diet Coke, our asses get lazy and we just want to not have to do anything.

But I know that being with good people, good friends, is fun for me. And it’s also healthy for me.

Have some fun. Life is too goddam short to be always exercising caution or the maybe-next-time excuses.

You know as much as they do. There is no next time. It’ll just be another lame ‘ol excuse from another lame ass person.

9. Bitches have their shit together (mostly).

If you don’t have your shit together, hey, join the club. Most of us don’t.

We wake up with god-awful bed hair, day-old smeared mascara and eyeliner across our faces, clothes strewn about with just as many empty bottles of vino laying around. We can’t remember what happened last night but that’s probably a good thing.

And who’s that person laying in bed with us? Dammit. It’s the delivery boy. And he’s not wearing any pants. Who the hell invited him in? Oh, that’s right. My drunk ass.

If you have one-too-many of those types of nights, it’s time to get your shit together.

Clean yourself up and have some self-respect, woman! Love that sexy body, curves and all, and that gorgeous head of hair of yours. God knows the creepy old guy across the hall does.

And even if you don’t have your act together most of the time, the fact that you get up, day after day, not defeated, is a great feat indeed.

Got debts? Write down what you owe and to whom and when you want them completely cleared away. Then get to work on them.

Had a miniature tornado go through your room? Grab that dust pan, that vacuum (you know, that lumpy, dusty thing sitting in your closet you used once, maybe, last Thanksgiving?), and get to work.

Feeling lethargic? A complete fat ass? Skip the woo woo yoga clothes and wear that beat up old Evil Dead T-shirt you already have on, get yourself outside and start running. Jumping jacks. Squats. Steps. Push ups. But do something.

You don’t need to tackle every issue all at once. I know many of you are perfectionists (hey, I can’t claim to not be one either) and will stop at nothing until everything is all sorted out, right now. Time and place for everything, as they say. One thing at a time.

**

So.

All this to say: There’s no bullshitting around when it comes to being a bitch. The world needs more powerful, strong, independent and beautiful women who won’t take no for an answer and who will create their opportunities rather than wait around for them.

I want you to be one of them.

Bitch, come on now. Rock that hot shit of yours and own your world.

And guess what?

I’ve been working hard on my latest book, aptly titled, Bitch, Please! The Modern Woman’s No-Nonsense Guide to Kicking Ass in Life, and I want you to be the first to know.

It’s not for losers.
It’s not for cry babies.
It’s not for bed-wetters.
It’s not for whiners and boo-hoo-I’ve-had-a-hard-life-please-give-me-a-lollipop-now wimps.

If you got the balls to handle it, so to speak, Bitch, Please! will launch worldwide on Tuesday, October 11, 2011, right here at Castles in the Air. On launch day only, there’ll be a special opportunity to save 36% off the list price of the book, so be sure to come back on the 11th to check it out!

If you’re a subscriber to The Heart of What Matters, you will receive Bitch, Please! completely free and before anyone else, on October 9, along with the essay The Empowered Bitch.

Sign up here to be a part of The Heart of What Matters by October 8 and you’ll be able to snag yourself a free copy.

Now, be forewarned. There are HOT pictures in this new book. Not just from yours truly. And no, these aren’t X-rated pictures of the hottest female writers around town gathered at a private pool party from BlogWorld, you sick perverts. But it doesn’t make it any less sexy.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Bitch.