As I turn 27 on this gorgeous summer August day, I feel younger, more alive, happier, more fluid and open, than ever before in my entire life. I have you to thank, for your continuous support, endless love, kind words of encouragement and adoration. Each one of you is a miraculous and magnificent creature that is precious in the eyes of another soul. Please don’t ever forget that, for as long as you shall live. If no one else will say it, I say it here: You are loved and you are beautiful.

This post is my longest yet and one of the most extensive interviews I’ve ever had, with heartfelt and sincere answers to the 27 questions you’ve asked. You asked great questions on loneliness, connections and relationships, sexuality, painful experiences, minimalism, purpose, meaning, and much more. You weren’t shy in asking and neither was I in answering.

So on this lovely day, August 12, 2011, this is me, presented to you, wrapped in nothing but sincerity and Truth.

With love,
Nina

**

I Am Number 27 (and Answers to Your Questions on Pain, Fear, Letting Go, Travel, Love, Sexuality, Hate and Everything In Between)

Q01: How do you dig yourself out of the loneliest moments in your life?

There is a significant difference between feeling lonely and being alone. The former denotes that loneliness is felt because the person is without companions or friends beside her. The latter denotes a conscious decision to be by herself, in purposeful solitude. Neither one is better or worse. It simply is.

With that being said, there are moments in my life when I feel a pang of loneliness. Not necessarily romantic loneliness, as if that’s my only goal in life to want to have a partner to share my life with. But moments when all I need or want is a human being next to me, a real-feeling, understanding, honest person that I can genuinely open my heart up to.

I can be in a crowded house full of boisterous and lively individuals, all yelling and screaming and chatting and laughing, yet feel completely alone because I cannot relate to any of them. This happens to me more often now that my life is drastically different than what it used to be. And during these moments, I allow my mind to go into a deep place, a cavern, a safe haven, a fortress of inner strength.

The sweetest soul in my life right now, someone who somehow just gets me, even without knowing me for that long, notices when I go to these places. And she asks me earnestly and softly, while looking intently into my eyes, ‘Nina … where did you go?’

‘I went … somewhere. Don’t worry,’ I say, letting a small smile slip out. ‘I’m someplace safe.’

And I remain there, for however long it takes for the pangs of loneliness to withdraw themselves from my spirit.

Q02: You mentioned you had worked for a large corporation, quit, but then ended up with another large corporation. Can you divulge a bit about what brought you back to that environment?

In November 2008, I handed in my notice and promptly quit my professional job the same day. Exactly 2 years later, in November 2010, I handed in my notice and left the company by month’s end.

The year in between was spent in an insane roller coaster ride of intense and heartbreaking emotions, of feeling seriously worthless, idiotic, fickle, a random discarded piece of society’s excrements. The only reason why I worked for another company in 2010 was because I didn’t want to feel worthless. To myself, to my parents, to all of society.

Pulling espresso shots at a Starbucks making minimum wage for 9 months while finishing up graduate school was not my idea of personal success. But it was very, very necessary for my self-evolution, for this started the domino effect of personal evaluation of what do I really want in life and how shall I live that out.

Turns out, my creative spirit and persona cannot thrive in a 9-to-5 environment, where everyday looks the same, everybody acts the same, and everything is, for the most part, predictable. So I made the conscious decision to leave the desk job to pursue only that which makes my heart sing joyous songs, like fluttering bluebirds on a summer’s day. Best. Decision. Ever.

Q03: What has been your most painful experience and how did it change you?

The most painful experience of my adult life was the worst fight I’ve ever had with my mom, on a Friday night, September 17, 2010, and it was over my decision to want to leave my day job and be an independent writer as I travel the world.

She didn’t understand me. My decisions looked selfish, stupid, immature, fleeting. But they weren’t. It was calculated and weighed upon my heart for months and months, as I cried myself to sleep weekly, wondering how I will ever make my own life beautifully freeing, on my own terms.

The paper draft of The Radical Minimalist laid on the kitchen table as she said with intense hatred in that moment (roughly translated from Chinese), ‘You will never make it as a writer. That’s not even a f-ing profession; it’s just a hobby.’ This pivotal moment changed the trajectory of my entire life. As I sobbed hot, stinging tears for 7 hours straight until my entire body and heart ached for days afterwards, I stood firmly by my decisions, despite my head hung low and my spirit being thrashed about by one of the closest people in my life.

Things are a bit better now with my mom. But we’ve always had a rocky relationship ever since I was young. For I didn’t have her growing up, between the ages 6-12. I believe this might have played an integral part in our relationship being the way it was.

Q04: What would you consider the first physical or material step on someone’s way to freedom?

With regard to freedom, my philosophy and message is focused more on the mental and emotional step, rather than the external things. For it first begins in one’s mind, the desire to want to experience freedom.

Freedom means whatever it means to you; there is no absolute freedom definition that is applicable to every person under the sun. For some, freedom can mean citizenship in the United States. Or moving out of your parents’ home at age 18. Or solo traveling around the world. Or ending that destructive habit of getting back into a yo-yo relationship with someone you no longer trust and love. Or freedom from overwhelming debt. Of eating too much, exercising too little, drinking too much, letting your body become a wasteland full of toxins. Of freedom from material things.

So as it pertains to the physical step towards someone’s path to freedom, my first go-to step is to apply the philosophy and practice of minimalism. Somehow, when you let go of things, you start to let go of fears, distrust, worry, attachment, greed, hatred, self-loathing, cynicism.

Q05: What is your purpose? Meaning, what is radical minimalism leading you TO, or is it ever used to run away, to avoid?

My purpose is to live an extraordinarily meaningful life, to have every single day be lived with serious intensity and passion, all the way up until my last day on Earth. I live every moment as if it were my last, because it really could be.

Radical minimalism allows me to consciously and selectively participate in endeavors which makes me happy. Running away sounds so … weak. I never want to not face my fears at least once in my life. I do that by understanding what I’m running from, who or what I’m running towards, and why I’m even running in the first place.

Q06: What do you think about the emotion of longing? Do people that miss someone or some place have a harder time living in the moment? Wouldn’t longing be a waste of time per se, unless you share that past experience for the sake of sharing or teaching a lesson? But longing in itself, is it a distraction, because you are taking away time from the moment of being?

Longing, nostalgia, reminiscing, memories, these are all very real and honest human emotions and behaviors. By themselves, there is nothing inherently wrong with experiencing such emotions. But are they ever isolated? Of course not. It is in tandem with our vibrant souls, each day we walk the Earth.

Past experiences are not validated because you share them with another person or the world. Some experiences, you will never utter to a single soul out there for as long as you live. And that’s okay. These experiences are yours to keep and yours alone.

Longing, when dwelled upon and held onto for longer than necessary, does take away from truly being in the present. I am able to remain ever present because I don’t long for what used to be. The past is the past while the future is not even here. I take the present moment as is, because every moment is a gift I never want to take for granted. Longing has no permanent part in my present-minded approach in life, though I still do experience this emotion from time to time.

Q07: How were you able to let go of cherished mementos? I’m having a hard time letting go of mine.

There is nothing I own in the world that is so cherished I will die if I let it go and never see it again. Before this, however, some things I held onto for a long time were my old artwork: sketches, drawings, paintings, black and white photographs I developed, poems, stories and writings. I looked back upon them and remembered every scratch I made, every mark my tool made, the emotions associated with the art, the time and place where I created the piece. It took me back in time.

I don’t want to be continually brought back to the past. I don’t want to continually think about the future. I only want to think about now. Right this very moment. Those mementos kept taking me back, begging me to reminisce and maybe even relive it. I don’t want to. So I don’t.

Q08: How did you choose the name of your blog?

The phrase ‘castles in the air’ is from one of the pivotal books in my life transformation, Walden by Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau is also my favorite philosopher and someone whose words resonate deeply within me.

The exact passage that castles in the air is from:

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

Q09: You said in one of your Letters, ‘I write this Letter because I absolutely want to.’ So on a more psychological level, what has the blog Castles done for you? Has it enabled you to reflect more on yourself, and do you connect with it, or is it mostly a portal to outlet your feelings and to bring an audience to them? Is the blog about yourself or about others? Has it changed over time — was it once for others and now for yourself, or vice versa?

At this moment, Castles is a portal. At the blog’s inception, it used to be a two-way portal, with readers able to comment as much — and as rough or nonsensical — as they wanted to. It was good for me, at the beginning, to experience this. For now I know my options. And as the blog’s creator, I chose to close that two-way portal and make it just one-way. Once you enter, there is no going back. This is how I approach many situations in life. I burn my bridges, erase my past, leave no room for plan B’s or exit plans, so that once I enter, there I am. Forced to experience in the present.

Castles, at first, was an altruistic blog. I wrote in order to serve others. But I did it out of a sense of naïveté. I simply didn’t know any other option. As I grew and evolved, my blog grew and evolved too. Not just in readership, for I long since have stopped looking at traffic since January this year. Now, whatever I write, I want it to be applicable always for me and hopefully for others. There is a difference. Either way, I always want it to be dripping with honesty, sincerity and Truth.

Q10: Being a woman traveling the world all alone, have you ever feared for your safety?

No. And not because of foolish ignorance or an overly determined cocky attitude. I haven’t feared for my safety because most of the time, I am conscious of my surroundings, my behavior, who I’m with, what I’m doing.

I also keep in mind that no matter where we are in the world, safety and danger are all around us. It’s not solely because we are in military and government strongholds or the most liberal and open place of all. Mindfulness in your current place in the world, wherever that may be, is key here.

And of course, it helps I’m a Black belt in Karate. :)

Q11: I’m bewildered at how fearless you seem to be in how you live your life. How do you do it?

Loitering around the centrifuge of comfortable all-knowingness is not what makes my heart do cartwheels. So I don’t.

I’m quite cognizant of the fact that I will die soon so every day I’m alive, I aim to live it deliriously happy doing whatever the hell it is I want to do, wherever I’m at in the world.

Q12: You mention this in your Letterly:

Have you always been this way deep down, continually erasing your past and self-evolving? Has this self been evolved, as it were, from frustrations of our society? How have your friends and family coped with that?

I certainly did not start off this way, always wanting to erase my past, blank the slate and self-evolve. When I was young, though I kept things simple and tidy, I still held onto a lot of sentimentalities. I had 2-3 cardboard boxes full of handwritten notes, letters and cards from classmates, friends, past relationships, family. I kept souvenirs. Trinkets. Mementos. Junk. It’s bewildering to me now how I thought I needed all of this in my life. Because now my backpack contains everything I own in the whole world. It weighs no more than 12 pounds fully packed and that includes my Mac, books, shoes and clothes. Crazy.

My mom, in an email to me, said, “I try to live my life minimally now too. You can say I’m a fan of your lifestyle.” Ah, mom. My family doesn’t have anything against minimalism, but for most of them, it’s simply not a lifestyle for them, and I respect that. It really isn’t for everyone because people will have their creature comforts that they just can’t live without. It’s just how it is. Unless we live in a post-apocalyptic society, people will be used to having soap dispensers, blow dryers, Walmart and Costco, clean pairs of underwear, escalators and elevators, clean and readily available water, 7 aprons, a stove, and 51 pairs of shoes in their closet.

I don’t want to be comfortable all the time. Teetering on the edge of the super-sonic-crazy-explosive-freak-insane-primary-hyper-delirium state I sometimes find myself in, I am always challenged, never comfortable. I choose this way for me. It really isn’t for everyone.

Q13: I saw your tweet on July 10 that said: “One word: Flaming.” What do you mean by that?

I like the word flaming. Heck, I like a lot of words, given my deep-seated love affair with them ever since I was able to read, write and type. However, this word on that particular day held a good amount of significance for me, for I came to the deeply ingrained self-realization that I have been attracted to women all along. I prefer to not label myself one way or another for it is terribly limiting, labels, that is.

Bisexuality, for some folks, is a gateway towards realizing that they are indeed more attracted to one sex over another. This gateway for me was short-lived, about 7 months, when I first wrote the Fuck Hate post. I knew about my attraction towards females when I was 14 but didn’t fully come to grips with it until this year. Countless instances and experiences throughout my life all led me to this imperative ‘coming out.’ In the end, it was I who needed to come out to myself … to be honest and truthful, always.

Q14: As a traveler, connections with others can only be brief. Are these fleeting relationships sustainable? Do they feel any more or less valuable, meaningful, or influential than life-long friendships?

In the Letter Engagement, Connection and the Things You Can’t Explain, I mention a brief encounter with a new friend I had just met while in Taipei. Let me recount the story here:

A friend asked me this very important personal question the other day, one which caused me to pause, letting the silence hang by a silver thread, and truly reflect upon it before providing a far from thorough response, and certainly, a non-final one.

The Question: If you wander all your life, like with your travels now, will you ever feel like you’re missing out on establishing relationships that would take more than a few days or weeks at a time to develop?

No one has asked me that before. Usually, as it pertains to my seemingly perpetual motion in the world, people would ask:

• How do you afford all this?
• Where to next?
• How long will you be in [city]?
• Will you visit [city]?
• The best/favorite place you’ve visited?

My Answer to Question: Establishing relationships, though it’s true it takes some time, effort, and personal commitments on both ends, need not necessarily take a minimum requirement of X weeks or months or years. I feel a connection with you, right now, right here, and we’ve only met 2 days ago.

An ‘a-ha!’ moment.

Some people you meet you will never see again for the rest of your life. And we have to be okay with that. Like holding onto a relationship that is no longer healthy, good, invigorating, challenging, open, loving, honest, beautiful, sometimes we just need to be okay with letting go. These fleeting encounters are short-lived but they are never without an impression upon my heart. No matter where I go, where the other person goes, what I do, what they do, my only wish for them is that they are happy with their lives. No matter what.

Q15: What next, after minimalism is achieved?

That’s the thing. I don’t view minimalism as a final end to a journey towards simplifying your life, removing the erroneous to leave the amazing essentials. Every minimalist will adapt this philosophy and everyday practice as it should fit her life.

For me, there is no ‘next.’ I don’t lay too much on the future, having been constantly disappointed when I plan too much, expect too much, want too much, need too much. Rather, every single day I’m alive, I ensure that what I do, who I’m with, where I’m at, makes my heart do flips and backbends. If it doesn’t, it — or I — needs to go.

Q16: Is it possible in your mind, based on travels this year, to endlessly travel? Maybe living for months at a time in different places, but generally re-locating and seeking new experiences forever? Or does something inside us always create a longing to eventually plant roots and nurture a single location — calling it home?

Humanity is so utterly different, so immensely insane, so vastly opinionated. I love us human beings, and at the same time, can abhor them — but more accurately, the characteristics some folks embody that just do not gel well with my nature, my philosophy, my person. Traveling allows the world to teach me for who I am. And increasingly, through the lovely and horrible places I go to, the months that feels like years, I am shown more and more the person that I really am: broken.

If possible, I want to travel endlessly. A state of perpetual motion with the longest dwelling in each place just a mere few months (for now). Because after a few months and sometimes shorter, I start to feel restless and resent my current dwelling. I don’t want to feel that because the environment can be absolutely great for me. I follow my heart and what it feels, no matter what I do, where I go, who I’m with.

Q17: What did you want to be when you were little? What were your dreams of your future grown-up self?

As a child, I only wanted to be an artist. What line of art didn’t matter to me; it was the creation of art, the unique self-expression that made my heart sing that mattered. Thankfully for me, it is now true but for several years, it certainly seemed like it was going to remain just a dream.

I didn’t get to dreaming about how my future grown-up self would look and do and be. I only knew I wanted to be an artist. And that was it.

Q18: Your passionate writing is what continually draws me into reading more about you. Have you always been this intense?

Yes, though my intensity level certainly has fluctuated during different stages in my life. As for now? Blazing.

Q19: Your blog is so very much concentrated on the questions of self-growth and minimalism, that it’s almost as if the ‘real’ Nina out there is slightly elusive and hidden from view. In fact, in one of your Letters, MOLLE, was the closest it seems that we as readers have got towards the likes, your progress, what you are doing in the world right now. Is this intentional? Do you shy away from, as you hinted in another Letter, the fame and the flattery of being noticed?

Fame and flattery are such foreign concepts to me. I don’t hate it but I don’t openly invite it in either. Because I know our egos can swell up extremely quickly and I don’t want this at all. I know what it feels like to be pompous and self-righteous as well as how others may feel when in the presence of someone who is just dripping with a bloated head the size of a watermelon.

Personal stories, while easy to include, is not always necessary in my writing. But I know story telling is extremely powerful when done well and with honesty. So I do, here and there, though these stories are always a past reflection and never a most current one. The MOLLE digests I’ve recently begun in my Letterly are one avenue I’m providing to readers for a direct look into my life as it is today, a true snapshot in literary words of the person I am today, the thoughts I have, my most current dwelling at the moment in the world. Whatever I do choose to open up to my readers, I do it fully. But those portals are consciously and purposefully limited. Not because I have privacy issues or fear baring my entire soul out there. But because I simply do not like the two-way continuous information flow. It’s a personal choice.

Q20: What did you do before all this?

If by all this you mean writing and traveling, I’ve held a number of odd/random jobs in the past. Looking at this list, one can say I’m extremely flexible and a quick learner in most areas.

• Chinese (Mandarin/Cantonese) translator for a private law firm in downtown Chicago
• Dog sitter / baby sitter
• Starbucks barista
• Target intern
• Restauranteur
• Web designer
• Amway business owner
• Marketing intern for the CEO of a global trade and public relations firm in Beijing
• Media center assistant (read: glorified librarian)
• Graduate assistant for Roosevelt University’s College of Business
• SAT English preparatory teacher at a Chinese school
• Walgreens HR: intern, campus recruiter, diversity strategy specialist
• Accounts receivable service representative at a technology firm
• Shedd Aquarium Special Events (volunteer)
• Senior student Karate instructor

Q21: Someone said to me this year, “In the end, we are all simply reflections of one another.” If you surround yourself with entrepreneurial spirits, that will begin to grow within you. Simply being around people of high energy will compel you to match that and vice-versa. Do you believe this is true? If so, what does this mean for long-term self-reflection/introspection and its relation to personal growth?

This is, without a doubt, absolutely true as it has been made very evident in my life. During my years in corporate jobs, I was mostly surrounded by those who wanted:

• A stable income with steady, predictable paychecks, full benefits, 401(k)
• A house or some sort of property with their name on it
• A spouse, maybe some kids and pets too
• A regular schedule, one in which things and events are known ahead of time
• To fit in with society, to be liked
• The weekend to come as fast as possible

I can tell you I pretty much was the pariah at the office. Initially at the beginning, I may have wanted one or more of the above things. But that initial desire dropped soon afterwards, leaving my insatiable and fervent desire for adventure, living an amazing life on my own terms, and frankly, not giving a shat what other people think about my lifestyle. So what if I have black nail polish on and just got another piercing and tattoo? So what if I’m walking barefoot in public and have writings on my body? So what if I don’t watch TV or own a cell phone? So what if I live out of a bag, your modern-day globetrotter / hobo / wanderlust / nomad / sojourner / wanderer / traveler? So what if I’m gay? So what?

Now, as much as possible, the people whom I’m still friends with are those who, bottom line, are open. No matter what we may believe about how we ought to live our lives. As long as they are open and non-condemning, I will continue maintaining a relationship with these folks and vice versa.

Q22: On a superficial level, how did you make your blog Castles in the Air so popular? For you, was it a question of posting comments on the sites of others and interacting with them? What were your earlier posts about: did you envision and write this blog as a way of connecting with people, or did it begin as your own personal blog?

For as long as blogs are still around, there will always be the ABC, XYZ, 123 ways to get readers to read, subscribers to subscribe, traffic to grow, media attention to flock, etc. etc. At the beginning, I followed those methods because I didn’t know any other way (yet). So I peppered other mainstream or highly visible blogs with comments of my own. I often commented back on my own comments on Castles. I was a very active member in the commenting community and shortly after, on Twitter. I would retweet others’ posts, even if it didn’t resonate 100% with me, because all I wanted was their attention. I would follow diligently and loyally. But now? If it doesn’t add anything positive or challenging to my life, I won’t do it. I just won’t. So I don’t.

My earlier posts, posts which are no longer out there because I deleted 5 months’ worth of it, were, looking back, much needed for me to grow as a writer. I wrote about how to travel and pack simply, what’s in your closet, the benefits of fasting, what was in your glove compartment, lists of my things, how to stay fit and healthy while still in a desk job. In December 2010, I stared at these posts and thought how strange I sounded, how odd and unfamiliar it looked to me. I didn’t like it for I no longer recognized myself in it. So I blanked the slate. I turned off comments in December. I wrote some controversial and uncomfortable posts. I came out publicly about my sexual orientation. Anytime I feel a disconnect between who I am and what I’m doing, I try and correct course immediately. Castles is no different.

Q23: Are you scared of death?

No.

Q24: What are you scared of?

Ignorance and apathy.

Q25: What are 12 things we don’t know about you yet?

1. I dislike wearing socks and most close-toed shoes.
2. I love hot weather and am severely grouchy (read: a bitch) in frigid cold weather.
3. You need to keep me away from peanut butter and chips and dip (not together though) because I will not exhibit self-control.
4. My brother is 15 years younger than me, same parents, no siblings in between.
5. I’ve been working since the age of 12 in our family’s restaurant business.
6. I idolized Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Trini the Yellow Power Ranger, Sporty Spice and Dark Angel growing up. Yes, a budding gaysian in the making.
7. Dido and Jewel’s songs make me cry.
8. I seriously considered applying for the FBI Special Agent position in 2009.
9. I actually don’t really care for flowers. I know. Horticulturalists and flower lovers, please don’t hate me.
10. From time to time, I toy with the idea of being an international flight attendant. Just to experience what it’s like to serve miniature pretzels with your Diet Coke 36,000 feet in the air.
11. As a freshman in university, I joined the largest Asian American sorority purely for the fact that it was full of hot Asian girls.
12. I’m an above average basketball spinner and pen/baton/staff twirler. Self-taught, baby. Ooh yeah.

Q26: How do you deal with people who criticize your way of life or who are strongly opposed to your core message of freedom and minimalism?

I punch them in the throat. Ha, just kidding! (mostly.)

But in all seriousness, there are plenty of folks who don’t appreciate my living the way I live. To them, by my sheer act of doing whatever it is I want to do and living however it is I want to live, it is a slap to their way of life. I’m not saying one path is better than another, but what I am saying is whatever lifestyle you choose for yourself, you need to be ridiculously happy. If not, change, straight away.

I piss off countless people probably on a daily basis. This includes those closest to me as well as complete strangers who comes across my writing. Many will say that I ought to do this or that, where I should go next, how I should live my life. To hell with all that bullshit. I’m in a state of samsara now. Let me go, let me flow.

Q27: What inspires you, Nina?

You.

**

About the Author

Creating a world far from apathy and false promises, Nina Yau is leading others as a prolific writer, traveler, thinker and philosopher. She’s a Truth-seeker who dives deep into the heart of what matters.

Nina lives anywhere in the world, with home bases in Chicago and Taiwan.

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